Let me jump straight into examples.
Scenario 1) Your child is on a trampoline and is pushing other children. He pushes one child over and that child gets hurt. You do nothing and he does it again. This time another child gets hurt. After a while you tell your child if they don't stop they'll have their iPad taken away for a week.
What's wrong with that scenario?
Firstly there shouldn't have been a second pushing. The child should have been removed by the parent the first time and told to stay off the trampoline for the duration of their age in minutes. Age 9 = 9 minutes. When timeout is done you ask your child what they thought about and have them apologise to the other child and say they won't do it again. If they do it again they get taken off, this time for double the amount of time. Let them back on. If they do it again they're off the trampoline for the rest of the day. No matter how many hours that is. This teaches them you're serious and they need to not do it because it's dangerous and others are getting hurt.
Secondly, unless the child is on the iPad or even has the iPad with them and are using it, there is no point making that threat. There is nothing immediate about it. It doesn't ensure the safety of others straight away. By the time you get back home to the iPad or trampoline time is finished, that child is betting you forget your idol threat. Let's say you do remember your idol threat, your child got to continue harassing the other children on the trampoline because the consequence was not immediate.
Unless you are a wile parent this 'later on' technique will not work.
Scenario 2) Your child is out somewhere being rude and disrespectful to you in front of others because you won't give them what they want. You threaten then: just wait until you get home, then you're going to cop it. Or you say wait until dad or mum finds out.
What's wrong with that scenario?
There is no immediate consequence. Your tactic of putting off punishment or hand-balling it to someone else shows your child you're not serious about standing up for yourself. Firstly you don't discipline in front of others which means you're not courageous and your child knows they can get away with it. Secondly you give your discipline away to another person or time which makes you look weak in your children's eyes. And it is kind of weak because you don't want to be the one to dish out discipline.
Scenario 3) Your child hurts another child. He does it often. You've tried various things to control them and nothing is working. Then another parent comes up and talks to you about your child, offering some helpful advice, and you tell them to look at their own child and get angry at them for telling you their concerns.
What's wrong with that scenario?
Everything! As a parent you need to be able to hear from others how you and your child's actions are affecting others even if you don't really want to hear this. One thing we often do as parents is get defensive about our parenting choices. It's fair enough we each have different ways of parenting and yet there are styles that work and styles that don't work. If you're doing something that isn't working and worse still, it's having bad affects on people around you, it's important people have a safe space in which they can voice their concerns. You may think about what they've said and think they're wrong or you might decide they've got a valid point. In some cases they may be just as dodgy as you and you feel they're being hypocritical in bringing something up with you, in which case you should be upfront and say so.
Instead of responding with anger, the better response is to ask them what they suggest. Get actual help and advice from them and get them to put their money where their mouth is. Nothing worse than someone griping about your bad parenting who offers you no assistance what's so ever. However, if someone does offer up some friendly advice, be open to the possibility of accepting the help.
Parenting is hard. Take help and advice when it's offered.
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